Close Your Eyes, Clear Your Heart, And Let It Go

The girls first day of school

With a new year there are new struggles. And each of my girls have their own. For my youngest she doesn't understand why she has to go to school. We have tried to tell her that it 's the law but that doesn't seem to go over very well. Her first few mornings at school were difficult, so difficult that I felt bad enough to run out and buy a "prize box" filled with toys for her to pick from each day she went to school without crying, yelling, or making any kind of scene. It has worked very well so far. As for my middle one she has a hard time waking up in the mornings, although she is in second grade I am still having to physically put her clothes on her body, put the toothpaste on her toothbrush, and brush her hair. We have tried the whole approach of her doing it by herself but it ended up with me persuading her into brushing her hair with the back of the brush to "smooth it out" and her swishing around mouthwash in place of brushing her teeth. So needless to say, we will stick with me doing it all, because if she did it herself, she would go to school disheveled and her teeth would never get brushed, ever. And as for my oldest, her struggle this school year is school in general. At first it was the academic part but now it seems her biggest battle is with the social part. She started middle school this year and she like 95% of us who have experienced middle school, is having a hard time.

On her first day of school she was bombarded with homework and a project that she would be working on for a quarter of the semester. To go from a hour of homework a night in elementary school to over two hours a night was hard for not only her to believe but for myself and her parents as well. Every night she comes home with different assignments and every night she, myself, and her parents divide up who can help her with what. I always take english and history, her mom gets math and french, and her dad settles for science. We don't help her unless she needs it but we do check over her work, and I can honestly say middle school english is not what it was when I took it 12 years ago. Once we made a plan about how to help her not feel so overwhelmed with homework, things have been easier for her as far as her studies go. But unfortunately she is a middle school girl and like most middle school girls she faces the problems of "standing out" and "fitting in."

A new raincoat from the prize box

As for "standing out," she got a new pair of Hunter rain boots last week and wanted to wear them to school to show them off to all her friends. When I picked her up from school that day I asked her what her friends thought of the boots. She said they liked them but no one made a big fuss over them. She said she wanted her friends to say how much they loved them and how they wanted a pair like her, but that wasn't the response she got. I told her that she shouldn't expect them to rant and rave over them, considering it was just a pair of boots. A couple days later I pick her up from school and before she even got in the car I can see she was clearly upset about something. Before I can even ask her, she breaks down in tears and tells me that a little girl in her grade has the same boots and she had them on at school. Although this was what she originally wanted, it was from the wrong person. These boots were not worn by one of her friends but by the one girl who she has disliked since first grade. My initial response is to tell her to get over it because it is only a pair of boots and things like this will occur throughout middle school and continue into high school, she can't let something so small upset her. When we get home her parents and I talk to her and tell her that she can't be mad at her over something so small and she doesn't know if it was done in malice or just because she liked the shoes. She decides to argue and tell us that none of her friends like this girl because she constantly does things like this all the time. Our best advice is to ignore her and be flattered that she stood out so much but instead she took her advice and decided "fitting in" was more important.

When she came home from school the next day, everything seemed back to normal, she was no longer upset about what had occurred the day before and we didn't bring it up because we figured she had moved on. However, after putting the younger two to bed that night the phone rang and on the other end was the mother of the little girl with the same boots. She was calling to tell us that our oldest had ostracized her child during lunch today. Having no knowledge of this, once the phone call ended the oldest was called downstairs to tell her parents and I about what occurred during lunch. She told us that her and her friends were discussing before lunch how they had all been manipulated by this girl and wanted to put an end to it, and my oldest wanting her friends to think she was cool decided she would be the one to do it. She told the little girl that she was not allowed to sit with them at lunch and when she tried to sit down all the girls at the table got up and went to another table. Having heard this story her parents and I were outraged that she could be so cruel. Her parents began telling her that she was not raised this way and she must apologize to the little girl. Once they were done punishing her and making her see how poorly she behaved I went with her upstairs to help her finish her homework. When she finally spoke she asked me if I thought what she did was wrong. I told her it was wrong and that she knew better, but I understood where she was coming from, however her approach was wrong. I told her there are better ways to tell someone that what they did made you mad and that doing what your friends say may make you look good to them, but you are the one who has to defend your actions in the end. She was upset that we were making her apologize because it would make her look worse than she already did. I told her that saying your sorry doesn't make you weak, it proves that you have the strength to admit you are wrong, which is not something everyone can do. However she did not want the little girl to think she had won by her saying she was sorry. In that moment I knew I needed to tell her something that would make her feel as if she did not lose a battle this small. I reminded her that it wasn't about winning a battle it was about making what she did right and if she needed to see her apology as having the last word than she could look at it that way. It was with that final advice that she made the decision to make amends for what she did.

She told me the next day at school was difficult because she knew she had to apologize for her actions but once she fully grasped that she was wrong and she herself would never want that to happen to her she told the little girl she was sorry. As we drove home from school that day I asked my oldest if she felt better knowing she did the right thing. She responded with "sorta." She knew she did what she was supposed to but she couldn't understand why she was still mad. I let her know that just because you do the right thing doesn't mean you will be happy, and the reason she was still mad was because she hadn't forgiven the little girl for getting the boots, nor had she forgiven herself for her actions. As we sat at the kitchen counter I reminded her of a saying that I not only tell myself daily but live by, "close your eyes, clear your heart, and let it go." It was with those words that she closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and let everything she had been holding inside for the past few days go.

Tan Lines Fade but Memories Last Forever

On our way to banana boat, two of the girls, their mom and cousin

It's hard to believe that the summer is coming to an end. It seems like only yesterday I was picking out the girls favorite uniforms to wear for their last day of school and now we are laying out the same outfit for our first day back. With one going to sixth grade, one heading to second, and the youngest starting junior kindergarten our emotions are elevated because of this day. In honor of school starting and summer ending I took the girls out for mani/pedis and while sitting in the pedicure chairs with one to my left, one to my right, and the little one sitting in my lap I couldn't help but remind the girls of what they told me at the beginning of summer, that they were most excited about laying by the pool and trips for yogurt. As we laughed and continued soaking our feet, they began to talk about all the things we did over break and how much fun we had outside of the pool and trips for yogurt.

Away they go!

We started with the beginning of summer when we spent two weeks in Destin, Florida. Between banana boating, parasailing, jet skiing, driving a pontoon boat, going to the waterpark, and zip-lining across the Gulf of Mexico, it was hard to pick a favorite but each of them were able to narrow it down to one. The oldest loved parasailing because she was able to tackle her fear of heights, the middle loved jet skiing because she was able to pull up right next to a dolphin, and the youngest loved zip-lining because she could go super-duper fast over the water. 

Thanks to these two I look like a real-life doll :)

As we moved on to the month of July the only thing the girls could remember was how hot it was. While we thought we would be laying by the pool to survive the heat, that was not the case. It got to the point where it was so hot even the water was not refreshing and the girls would rather stay inside than go out. When I mentioned to the girls about how we lost power they were reminded of the activities we did indoors. We all are now experts at a card game called Sleeping Queens, pros at making brownies, skillful at assembling forts, and capable of turning a person into a real-life baby doll. While the month of July was hard to get through because of the heat, we had our trip to New Canaan, Connecticut to look forward to, and it was that trip the girls said they enjoyed most of all. Whenever we ask them what they like most about summer they all answer Connecticut, and that was the same response I got at the nail salon.

Check out our fort skills

While in Connecticut we stayed with the girls Grandfather (Pop Pop)- their mom's dad- and were given the royal treatment before we left Charlottesville. We were fortunate enough that we had a private jet to New Canaan and while the girls were impressed with the plane it was the snacks that caught their attention and how they could eat Oreos for breakfast. Once we arrived we had a driver pick us up and take us to Pop Pop's. As we drove through the neighborhoods and the driver pointed out the celebrities that lived in the area I noticed how well the girls were getting along, and I prayed silently to let it continue the whole trip, lucky for us, it did. We spent most of our time during the day going between the indoor and outdoor pools and on our third day the youngest ventured to the diving board to test her new swimming abilities. Before we left for New Canaan she had just started swimming with her head under water and decided while in CT she would make her first attempt off the diving board. With her goggles and one-piece swimsuit on (because a two-piece may ride up she told me) she took off the board and landing a few feet in front of it. What seemed like forever was really a matter of seconds before she popped out of the water and swam to the ladder. With a partial smile on her face she told me she was going to do a canon ball next time. From that moment on we had to bribe her to get out of the pool. Our time in New Canaan wasn't just spent by the pool or going to the beach club we also took an hour drive into Manhattan. On the agenda for that day was The American Girl Store and Cirque Du Soleil: Zarkana. Our first stop being American Girl was fun and the girls loved it, but Zarkana was the big thing. The music and acrobatics kept us all on the edge of our seats and only made the girls fonder of gymnastics. The only fight of the whole trip occurred on the ride home over who gets to see the program from Zarkana. As the trip ended we had to get back to reality and start facing the fact that summer was ending.

Boarding the plane

I was fortunate that I could take a few days off to spend with my family on vacation before summer officially ended. And as much as I loved my time away I couldn't help but think about my girls. I now know what mothers go through when they say they need time away from their children for their own sanity. As much as I love my girls I needed time for myself. It was with that mini vacation that I was able to come back to them refreshed and with lots of gifts.

End of summer toes

As the nail technicians began painting their toes bright shades of blue and pink I asked the girls the same question I ask them at dinner every night "what was the peak of your day and what was your pit," however I changed it to peak of summer and pit of summer. They all agreed that their peak of summer was Connecticut, and their pits were not going to camp, the Olympics not being long enough, and summer ending. It was the mention of summer coming to a close that made all of their faces turn sad and I knew they were all thinking about the memories we have from this summer and how it would all end when they start school. The oldest expressed what they were all thinking and told me she was excited to start school but wasn't ready for summer to end because thinking about all the things we had done made her want summer to go on. I simply reminded her and her sisters that tan lines fade but memories last forever :).

Not Everyone is Going to Like You

Eleanor Roosevelt once said "you wouldn't worry about what others think of you, if only you realized how seldom they do." Well Eleanor, if only your words worked on eleven year olds. Back in May the oldest of my three girls came to her parents and I and told us about a sleepaway camp that she wanted to attend at the end of July. Being eleven and wanting her to start making decisions for herself and grow as a person, we all sat down and discussed the camp with her and decided if she felt she was ready to be away from home for six days then she should go. Leading up to her departure we spent many days shopping for all the necessities and talking about how much fun she was going to have, but two days before she was to leave, the look on her face had changed from excitement to fear. No longer was she conversing about the fun and new things she was going to do at camp, now she was not talking at all. As the other two girls and I planned what we would be doing for the week, the oldest became upset because she was going to miss out on day trips to the Safari Park, Panera, and Target. It was in that moment that I knew we needed to sit down and talk before she left for camp, because there was more behind her being upset about us going to Target without her. Unfortunately, that talk never happened. We were so swept up in getting her ready for camp that I wasn't able to talk with her about how she was feeling before she left. I wasn't able to go with them to drop her off at camp because I am off on Sundays, but before I left I wrote her a letter telling her how proud I was that she was going to camp for the first time and I couldn't wait to hear all about the fun things she did and the friends she made. However, when I woke up Monday morning and saw her standing in the kitchen I knew there would be no stories or new friends to talk about.

As she stood there fixing her toaster strudel the look of fear was gone and replaced with one of discomfort. It was just the two of us in the kitchen so I sat down next to her and decided we should have the talk that was needed a few days before. When I asked her what happened I was expecting her to say she didn't like the camp, or it wasn't as much fun as she thought but that wasn't her answer. She said the other girls and the counselor didn't like her and even though they didn't express that, she didn't want to stay there all week and worry about what they thought of her. Part of me wanted to tell her to suck it up but she isn't that type of child. It's my other two who I could say that to and they would move on, but the oldest is emotional, intense, and sensitive, so with that in mind I have to take another approach. I started by telling her that not everyone is going to like you and if you think that they will then you are setting yourself up for getting your feelings hurt. But just as not everyone is going to like you, you have to realize you are not going to like everyone. There will be people in your life you will have to deal with that you aren't going to like but that is part of life. We all have someone who we don't particularly care for, but you make the decision as to how you are going to deal with them. As for me I am a firm believer in you don't have to be friends with everyone but you need to be friendly. There is nothing wrong with being friendly.

With that statement I thought she had an understanding of what I was saying, and she understood that there will always be people who do not like you and those who you do not like, but she didn't want people to see her as fake or rude for being friendly to someone who she doesn't like. It was then that I remembered the quote from Eleanor Roosevelt. As I quoted the words to her I could see the wheels spinning in her head as she realized what I was saying. But it wasn't until she smiled at me that I knew the meaning behind the words hit her. Although we only exchanged smiles and "okays" I knew that she understood everything that I had said and that showed the growth that we had wanted from her.

A picture of the four of us, taken with PhotoBooth

The World Needs Some Losers

I, like majority of people on Facebook get my laugh of the day from someecards. I know you have seen them, they usually consist of a sarcastic comment with a colorful background and a person drawn in black and white. We all have that friend that post them on their wall as well as there friends wall throughout the day. Well, I ran across this one the other day and not only did it make me laugh but it made me think, 'Dear Lord this is true, and I know it is true because I have seen it first hand.'

My middle girl is on the swim team at our country club and she is by far the best swimmer in her age group (Proud Swim Nanny right here), however she is only seven. She, like half of the team are on there for competition and enjoyment. She really loves to swim and loves to compete as well, however the other half of the team is not there for those reasons. They are there because there parents are making them spend some time outside this summer, instead of sitting inside watching Nickelodeon,--which would have been my choice as a kid, but now you couldn't pay me to watch the garbage that is on there-- and snacking all day. It wasn't until the first swim meet that I realized kids like the ones on the swim team are going to run the world one day and it is going to be a sad day when it happens.

The relay team that she is on consist of three other kids her age, one competitive, two forced to be there. As soon as they blew the horn my kid was off and once she touched the wall, the next swimmer went just as fast, but sadly the last two laps were completed by the other members and since they could care less, they placed sixth. My first thought was sixth place, why even bother, what color is that ribbon, brown? I understand you need to support your children and encourage them to do there best, but sixth place. After third place there should be a participation "high five" because once you go past third you are basically saying "good job for finishing." But that wasn't the part that scared me, it was seeing a kid freak out over coming in second out of twelve. He was inconsolable. He stood there screaming and throwing his hands up in the air like they had just told he came in twelfth. As a matter of fact the kid that came in twelfth showed no emotion and later appeared happy with his white ribbon (after eighth place they start repeating the colors). But the second place child never appeared happy. When his parents tried to console him it only made it worse because he then yelled at them. It was in that moment that I thought he would soon be taking a trip to the bathroom, but no his parents allowed him to berate them and the other children. Once his moment--as his mother called it--was over he collected his swim cap and goggles and left the pool.

Even though he was gone I couldn't get over the fact that a child had acted that way in public. I thought back to when I was a child and wondered if I ever acted that way, and what I would do if one of my girls ever behaved that way in public. As there nanny it is my job to make sure they behave the right way and even though I know they would never do anything like that I have seen it done by other children enough to be scared. Scared of what the world will become when we have kids who get a ribbon for twelfth place and who throw a fit over second place. It gave me reassurance to know that other people have this fear as well (enough people for a someecard to be made in it's honor). I know this is something small to be scared about and I'm not losing sleep at night over but it was situations like that, that made me realize the world needs some losers. We can't have our kids thinking they deserve a ribbon for everything they do, if that's the case then I would be giving out ribbons to my youngest for washing her hands after using the bathroom and using a fork instead of her fingers to eat. I would have to not only repeat colors but make up new ones. We need to let our kids know that they are doing a great job with a word of encouragement or congratulations not trophies and ribbons. And we need to make sure our kids know that not everyone is going to win, someone has to lose, and it may be us and it will suck, but we can work hard to improve. Kids need to know that losing isn't the worst thing in the world, the card above shows what is. :)

Inexperienced and Overqualified

Inexperienced and overqualified, the two qualities that I apparently posses according to potential employers. Before I even finished my final semester at Radford, I was applying for jobs. If it sounded like something I would like, I applied for it. Having worked with children and in the human service field I set my sights on jobs that allowed me to show off my skills and knowledge. However, my six years of wiping noses and settling fights at the local Daycare did not give me enough experience to tell others how to handle children, and sadly my college degree for an entry level position meant I was overqualified and would probably leave at the first chance for something better.

The emails kept coming in--yes emails, no one calls anymore--and if one said overqualified the other said inexperienced. I knew I was overqualified for some of those positions but inexperienced. Excuse me, I am anything but inexperienced. Six years of listening to kids whine about how much they hate school, 3 semesters of spending time with underprivileged kids who would rather go to school than go home, and many months of dealing with families whose kids have missed so much school they must take classes in order to prove they are not negligent. I made it through all of that and learned exactly what to do in any situation involving all types of children, but yet I had not learned enough. If there was anything I learned through the four months of searching for jobs it was how different interviews can go.

The questions for each interview are based on the position you are applying for but the employer also wants to know about you and it is with those questions that I freak out. Even though I know myself and am pretty confident with who I am I find it hard to talk about myself as freely as they want in interviews. The questions range from why did you major in sociology and english to what are your hobbies. That's another thing that eats me alive, the word hobby. Whenever I hear that word I immediately think of filling out a Myspace profile with my hobbies that consisted of "shopping, talking on the phone, and hanging out with my friends." That's what I think when I hear hobby but that is not the answer potential employers want to hear. They want to know that when you say you love to read, that you actually read. You can bet 90% of the time when you mention reading the next question is going to be, what was the last book you read? Unfortunately for me my go-to answer is "The Great Gatsby, it's my favorite book I reread it all the time" but in reality the last book I read, How to Talk to A Widower, is a book about a man whose wife recently died and he sluts his way around his neighborhood while trying to raise his step-son. Employers don't want to hear that, and they certainly don't want to hear that you enjoy shopping or hanging with your friends. They say they want to know more about you but the real me is not the girl you are interviewing. It wasn't until I had an interviewer ask me what were my guilty pleasures that I knew I couldn't be myself. The answer that I wanted to give was "I don't feel guilty about my pleasures" but that would not to go over very well, so instead I went with the generic answer of "chocolate" and prayed for the questions to be over. The last question of the interview was the hardest and the one that lost it for me. I should have been prepared but I had lost myself so much in the interview that I felt I had to be honest. When the interviewer asked what my dream job was I sat there and thought for what felt like forever and finally answered "I don't know." As soon as the words left my mouth my subconscious began screaming at me and begging to take back what I said, but it was too late. I had to then say why I didn't know what my dream job was and I chalked it up to being young and having so many years ahead of me to figure it out but that's not what anyone wants to hear. They want to hear this job is your dream job, but in that moment my dream job would be to have a job, no matter what it was. It was once that interview was over that I realized I wasn't ready for a real job, I wanted to go back to school when it was easy and all I had to do was go to class but I didn't want to do the work. It seemed as if I was living in a Catch-22 situation and I knew I had to figure something out. Luckily for me the situation would soon be resolved.

While I was still at Radford, I had wanted to make some extra money and thought about putting my daycare skills to use. I filled out a profile on nanniesforhire.com and figured if someone was interested they would contact me. Two months after graduating I received an email from a family in Charlottesville, telling me that they were in need of a new nanny for their three daughters because there live-in nanny would be leaving in April. I had completely forgotten about the profile but I felt that with me being inexperienced and overqualified, emailing them back couldn't hurt anything. After corresponding with the family and learning more about them I decided to go for a weekend visit. I would be lying if I said it wasn't love at first sight. I loved everything from the home to the family, and being in Charlottesville was an added bonus. It was the first time during an interview that I was able to be myself. I could laugh and joke with the girls and felt that just as comfortable with their family as I was with my own. At the end of my weekend the family offered me the position of being their full-time nanny and I quickly accepted. I knew that this would be the perfect plan for me at this time in my life. It would help me to gain experience in working with children full-time as well as figure out what my dream job was. It was with that plan that I began my life as a nanny.